There are some really hilarious entries today in the results of Week 509, in which entrants were asked to make up Hallmark-style greetings for non-Hallmark occasions:
We feel your loss, it’s surely no fun,
Worse than fire, or flood, or a gash when you’re shaving,
But what’s done is done, and cannot be undone —
You Ctrl-Alt-Deleted without saving.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
You wanted no truck so
You got something dumber,
You parked like a schmuck so
We booted your Hummer.
(Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria)
And the winner of the thong panties and T-shirt with the likeness of the former Iraqi minister of information:
Although you were never charged with a crime
We want to thank you for serving your time
For weeks, for months, for over a year
How could your freedom compete with our fear?
How could we doubt the Department of Justice
Saying “no need for evidence, you’ll just have to trust us.”
Until finally you walked out the door,
And though we’ve done nothing to apologize for
Please accept from us, a grateful nation,
Our thanks for your incarceration.
(Joe Cackler, Falls Church)
All my best for accepting
Jesus as your savior.
Perhaps when He returns
You’ll be out on good behavior.
(Michael Gips, Bethesda)
When I spew exclamations like “Sweet Holy Lord!”
You will have to excuse my vernacular.
What I’m trying to say in my own special way
Is “Congrats! The new boobs are
(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)
A miracle like this
Bespeaks some real endurance,
I’m thrilled to hear you saved
Fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
(Ezra Deutsch-Feldman, Bethesda)
I had my doubts —
You aren’t able,
But congrats on assembling
Your Ikea table.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Of penis enlargement news
You’ll soon be a fount.
Best wishes on the occasion
Of your new Hotmail account.
(Steve Denyszyn, Toronto)
A thousand thank-yous can’t convey
My gratitude and great surprise
I’m flattered that you would select
My article to plagiarize.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Your paranoia’s cured!
You must feel brand new!
Please accept my best wishes.
Sincerely . . . guess who?
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)