Maybe it’s just me
Posted on June 27, 2006 by Gene
I really can’t figure out the point of dating anymore. It seems, quite simply, to be an exercise in whittling away the ego and leaving the participants — or, at least, one of them — diminished.
Take the date I went on this weekend, the latest in what to my mind seems like a long, long line of first dates that never lead to a second. The guy was just my type — intelligent, creative, a fellow designer, way cute, could carry on a conversation — but as always, where prior to the date there was an excitement and a dialogue, immediately after there was silence. What set him apart from others was that 24 hours later, he emailed me to say there was no match — usually I just never hear from them again.
His reasoning? We were in two “different places” with our lives. It’s interesting, most of the people around me are fascinated by my move to California, this sabbatical in my life; but this guy indulged in a little transference, noting that hs ex-boyfriend couldn’t find a job in California and moved away.
My response to this late last night via email was that I was not that guy, and he shouldn’t assume that I am. It remains to be seen if I get any response.
My first thought this morning after a sleepless night of contemplation was that I should call him and state my case for a second date. If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I can’t be summed up in one meeting, it takes a long time to find out who I really am. I’m really tired of bearing the brunt of snap judgments, and I liked this guy enough to not want to just abandon it. But my self-esteem has taken yet another beating — I’m already feeling diminished because I haven’t found the job I want here, and even though financially I am quite well, thank you, this incident has just left me feeling even more like there is nothing more important in my life than a career — evidently, I can’t even have a relationship without one.
I never know the right thing to do. I probably won’t call him, even though I feel that it might be an important gesture — because now I am afraid that he’ll abandon this excuse for something different that is even more ego bruising.
How do people do this? How can one go through this time after time after time, and not be a shell of a person at the end? Is that the point, to whittle away your self-esteem so that finally you’ll take the first person that comes along who doesn’t have tattoos on his face and rotting teeth?
Why is it that every time I peek my head out of my hermit’s cave, I’m hit with a crowbar and forced to go back in even farther?
How it gets worse: we’ve now emailed a couple of times, explaining our positions, and two things are clear to me: first, that I wish it had worked out with him, because even in these circumstances, he is sweet and honest and intelligent and kind. (To set the record straight, he says was not “transferring” his previous experience, but learned from it.)
Second, it is clear to me that my emotional defense of gloom and doom and putting up walls around myself is still just as powerful as it ever was despite my attempts to tear them down. The self-reinforcing walls just get stronger when I try to let my guard down and then retreat back into them. The nicer the guy, the higher they go.