It’s been a while since I quoted the Style Invitational, but today’s contest was just too good to pass up. Entrants were asked to insert a product placement into biblical or other literary passages…
And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the amazing Ginsu knife to slay his son, and the angel of the Lord called out, “But wait, there’s more!” (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, for there is good news: the Lord saveth a bunch of money on His car insurance by switching to Geico. (David Iscoe, Washington; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money — but they didn’t take American Express.
(Mary Ann Henningsen, Hayward, Calif.)
If you prick us, do we not require a Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage? (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary
Over yet another eerie puddle on the kitchen floor,
Suddenly the door was rappin’. ‘Twas the men with my new Tappan,
Frost-free, ice-dispensin’ Tappan. Buy Amana? Nevermore.
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
His wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of Morton’s; as it is said: When it raineth, it poureth. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Oh the shark bites with his teeth, dear,
And he keeps them Rembrandt white.
Aris Light gloves wears old Macheath, dear,
But they don’t fit — they’re too tight.