Dear Facebook: I think your algorithms need some tuning.

Email sent around the office says a 7.0 quake due to hit today, then says “exercise caution.” Like, walk lightly so you don’t set it off?

RT @BorowitzReport: This is like a sitcom with no main characters and only wacky neighbors. #GOPDebate

You know how for 44 years I claimed to not be bothered by pollen? Well, my sinuses and the left side of my head beg to differ.