Just As I Thought

“Oh, you’re hurting me, you’re so big.”

My new favorite site is Top Ten Conservative Idiots. Why? Let me give you some excerpts of this week’s list:

1. The Whistle-Ass Administration
… Administration officials said last week that they are suddenly concerned that all the bullet-proof, solid-as-a-lump-of-titanium evidence they’d gathered about WMD may have actually been stinking, rotten lies passed on to them by – gasp – Iraqi double agents. That’s right, the Administration is now alleging that Saddam Hussein sent out spies to spread false rumors that Iraq was in possession of WMD, thus forcing the United States to tip its hand and invade. … Oh, and by the way, guess where this latest information has come from: believe it or not, “former Iraqi intelligence agents.” …

2. The Republican Party
… despite the patriotic God-Bless-America rhetoric the party likes to spew, the GOP is using call centers in Gurgaon and Noida in India to raise funds for the party and for George Whistle-Ass Bush’s presidential campaign. “Enthusiastic fund-raisers” in India will now be cold-calling American familes … using a panhandling process which involves a “high degree of automation in order to limit human intervention.” So basically the GOP is employing robots in India to try and scrounge money off of Americans. How patriotic. Seems to me that we have plenty of unemployed people in America right now who could do this job, but then that would probably be too expensive and you can hardly blame the GOP for wanting to look abroad for cheap labor. …

3. Brit Hume
… Fox News anchor Brit Hume was spotted recently telling his viewers in an oh-so-fair-and-balanced way that American soldiers are less likely to be murdered in Iraq than regular Americans living in California. See? Our troops are perfectly safe! So how does Mr. Hume come to this conclusion? Why, like any fair-and-balanced journalist should – in a thoroughly scientific, common sense manner. Here’s Brit’s theory: since Iraq is “roughly the same geographical size” as California, and 6.6 Americans are murdered every day in California compared to 1.7 Americans in Iraq, isn’t it obvious that Americans are safer in Iraq? Well sure, if you use the completely bogus “land area” argument that conservatives like to trot out at disturbingly regular intervals. However, since there are 38 million Americans in California and only 170,000 in Iraq, it turns out that Americans are actually 66 times more likely to die in Iraq. …

4. Marc Racicot
… George Whistle-Ass Bush’s presidential campaign is “appealing for donations by portraying Bush as a fund-raising underdog.” But… but… but… isn’t Bush on target to raise an unprecedented $200 million dollars for his campaign? … In a fundraising email to supporters, Racicot wrote (added emphasis mine): “Democrats and their allies will have more money to spend attacking the president during the nomination battle than we will have to defend him. Cough-bullshit-cough.” Look, if the people who support the GOP are really this gullible, they damn well deserve George W. Bush for another four years.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
So we still don’t know a great deal about Arnold’s plans for California should he become governor, but we do know this: he’s got a great big penis and he’s not afraid to use it. Well, so he says. According to an interview in Playboy spinoff Oui magazine back in 1977, Arnold has partaken in bodybuilder orgies (ewww – how much grease do you need for something like that?) and has also acknowledged that the ladies used to be fascinated by “little Conan.” Said the gubernatorial hopeful, “Women have told me they’re curious about its size – you know, outgoing chicks who’re just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of lines, including ‘Oh, you’re hurting me; you’re so big.’ … Mr. Schwarzenegger announced that “gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.” See that? A simple solution to a complex problem. Give this guy the governor’s job already!

10. Dr. Jack Clemmons
Jack Clemmons, superintendent of the Lubbock (Texas) Independent School District last year banned students from forming a Gay Straight Alliance group (purpose: “to provide support for gay and straight students and promote equality in the school system and community”). Managing to roll ignorance and bigotry into a nice neat ball, Lubbock said “I would have denied other clubs whose basis was sex. I would have denied a Bestiality Club. I would have denied a Gigolo Club. I would have denied a Prostitute Club.” How about a hypocrisy club? Jack Clemmons could be the founding member. See, while the superintendent was busy banning all things sex-related in his school district, he was apparently conducting an extra-marital affair with an employee on school property, and using school computers to send her dirty emails. … The really funny thing is that apparently less than five hours after he wrote that last email, Clemmons appeared on local TV to defend the school district’s abstinence-only sex education policy. …

There’s plenty more entertainment where that came from. Visit the Democratic Underground site today… and laugh until you cry. Or is it cry until you laugh?

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