Just As I Thought

What Would Betty Do?

In honor of Easter, I direct your pious attention to America’s Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers. So close to Jesus, they have joint checking. He brings people back from the dead just so she can have the last word.
Sacreligious? Perhaps. But I say, sacrelicious! Stop whatever horrible, dirty thing you are doing and visit with the woman who has established a halfway house just for the Bush children. Or else you’re going to hell. A few words of wisdom:
“Since the poor will always be with us, there is no rush to help them.”
“While both politics and religion rely on nonsense and fear to take money from people, religion is far, far more successful.”
And on the subject of Pottery Barn catalogs:

As a Baptist, I think nothing of leaving loaded rifles, handguns and miscellaneous incendiary devices out on granite and inlaid surfaces throughout our exquisite Christian home (should the nefarious Red Chinese invade my charmingly landscaped neighborhood unannounced). Indeed, cook has been known to break a few nuts with the blunt end of a German semi-automatics each Christmas. But to leave Pottery Barn catalogs unguarded, where they are likely to be flipped through by impressionable young boys, shows an appalling disregard for the safety of your children, dear. Allowing your son to be made easy prey to well-lit pictures of reasonably priced lamps, place-settings and fragrant candles is tantamount to leaving a trail of breadcrumbs from his bedroom to your nearest gay bathhouse, dear! Surely, you could not have more expeditiously enticed your son to be a homo had you left an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog on his pillow splayed out to a page of buffed twins, ripe in the suggestion of turgidity and opportunity, engaging in a smoldering incestuous stare as they discard $14 plaid boxer shorts. That type of coy familial foreplay may pass without remark in Minnesota – but not in the Bowers’ mansion!

Browse the Archive

Browse by Category