Paul Rudnick: “Cruise Control”

Seriously, I can’t figure out this Robert Pattinson thing. Ya’ll think he’s good looking? Really? Wow.

What would I do without Sumatriptan? (Spend untold hours in a dark room in agony, no doubt.)

I’m a little younger than the birds in the Enchanted Tiki Room, but I make the same clickety clack sounds when I move. #gettingold