The Style Invitational, the major reason I read the Sunday Washington Post, turns 10 this weekend. In recognition (or resignation), the Post publishes today’s edition on the front of the Style section, rather than quietly secreted inside. Among today’s astonishingly lengthy coverage: A list of some of the… coveted prizes, including:
Vietnamese Snake Wine containing an actual four- foot-long snake; kangaroo jerky; an antique 1911 wooden rat trap; “smorked beef rectum,” a fine vacuum-packed lunch meat from Japan; “Love Ewe,” an inflatable sheep
Famous past contests such as “When the Bills Came Due,” where entrants create bills from the names of newly elected House representatives:
The Cantwell-English-Read Dyslexia Research Funding Bill. (Jacki Drucker, Arlington, April 25, 199
“Crying Foal” in which readers “mate” any two Kentucky Derby-eligible horses, and name the foal.
Mate IsleEmailYou with Ideal Cut and name the foal You’ve Got Mohel. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; May 6, 2001)
Putting You at Our Trebek and Call: We supply Jeopardy!-style answers, you give us the questions.
Answer: Time, Newsweek and Scrooge McDuck. Question: On the day he refused to pay the ransom for his kidnapped uncle, whose three bills did Donald Duck receive in the mail? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Dec. 15, 1996)
Hyphen the Terrible, in which readers make new words by mixing and matching beginnings and ends of hyphenated words in any story in the newspaper.
Pro-zakstan: A country that is always at peace. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; March 16, 1997)
Just a Certain Clinton His Eye: The birth of The Style Invitational coincided almost exactly with the inauguration of William Jefferson Clinton. It was a match made in heaven.
Take any line from today’s Washington Post and make it the answer to a question (Feb. 15, 1998):
A: “Well, we’re glad to be here,” astronaut Bonnie Dunbar replied from the shuttle. Q: Has President Clinton ever made inappropriate advances to female astronauts?
(Dave Andrews, Williamsburg)
And the 10 Best Individual Entries of All Time:
1. A passage about someone, using only the letters in the person’s name (April 16, 2000):
Monica Lewinsky:
Well, I was, like, a woman, y’know. William was, y’know, like, a man. So I’m, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, “lookie lookie,” we make some nookie.
Willie says, “nice melons.” I mean, like, wow! Willie was mine, I was Willie’s. No one knew! So I’m, like, seein’ Willie, only slyly. Anyways, I’m, like, callin’ Lin. So we yak ‘n’ yak. I’m like, well, me ‘n’ Willie, y’know? Lin’s like, “Wow, Willie?” Anyway, now Lin knows. Once I was, like, “Lin, is a click on my line?” Lin says, “A click? No.” Well, as we all know now, a click WAS on my line. Now, Ken comes in. Now I’m, like, NEWS! Monica mania! I’m like, a mess. Ken is, like, so asinine. Ken was on a mission. Ken is, like, soooooo my enemy! Lin was so sneaky. Lin is a swine. Oink oink. Willie? Well, I say Slick Willie will owe someone some alimony.
Me? Well, now I’m like a well-known woman. Now I can make me some money. Way cool. Awesome. (Richard Grossman, McLean, April 16, 2000)
Had enough? Here are some more of the best entries:
Mottoes for the backs of the state quarters (Sept. 7, 1997):
Missouri: “This is the back of the quarter.”
(Bob and Lydia Faulkner, Washington)
New elements for the Periodic Table, with their symbols and properties (Feb. 1, 1997):
Canadium (Eh): Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
(Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)
The difference between any two items in a list we supplied (Sept. 8, 2002):
The difference between the Pennsylvania Dutch and a mole on one’s butt is that in a Pennsylvania Dutch neighborhood, there’s probably no crack.
(Chris Doyle, Burke)
Dumb questions (June 1, 1997):
Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that “date rape” drug? (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Update an expression for the new millennium (Dec. 3, 2000):
Old expression: What goes around comes around. New expression: RE:Fw:FW:Fw:Fwd:FW:Fwd:FWD:Fw
(Twyla Vernon, Verona)
Really bad excuses for moral lapses (April 10, 1994):
You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving. (Helen Sheingorn, Washington)
A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate (Nov. 26, 1995):
What is the most ethnically offensive word or phrase you have ever heard, and will you please use it in a sentence? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
What politicians say and what they really mean (May 2, 1996):
What they say: I don’t believe in polls. What they mean: My polls tell me to say I don’t believe in polls. (Frank Bruno, Alexandria)
Happy anniversary of your birth, SI! May you be as mature as a 20 year old in another 10 years. I’ll be assured of the same level of amusement, at least.
