An audio entry on being an accidental taker of a life, today on the way home.
(Transcript in the extended entry.)
At first, it was a blur of black that just appeared on the left hand side of my car. Less than a second later, it was the horrifying realization that I had hit it. It was a bird. I’m a little emotional about it, and I think a lot of people would immediately say, “well, it was just a bird.” That doesn’t work with me. To me, it’s an actual living, breathing creature. At least, it was.
I immediately felt a seizing in my chest and started crying, and as I drove, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a shape on the road, knowing that I had put it there. And then I saw another car run over it. And I was filled with thoughts about, “did it suffer?” “What had I done?” “How quickly did it die?”
I don’t like this feeling of having taken a life. However accidental.
I’m a very compulsive driver. I drive very safely. I generally drive around the speed limit, I follow all the rules of the road compulsively; and I also stop whenever I see a squirrel running across the street, or slow down when a bird seems to be flying too low. This one just dove down in front of the car, and there was nothing I could do.
It doesn’t stop me from feeling really, really horrible.
For May 28, this is Just as I Said.