There’s so much good stuff in this week’s Top Ten Conservative Idiots that I might just post the whole darn thing…
George W. Bush
Best Actor in the Role of the President: Republicans are no strangers to waging culture wars when their election campaigns are stalling. When George H.W. Bush was trailing Michael Dukakis in 1988, up popped the infamous Willie Horton ad. When Bush Jr. was trailing John McCain in 2000, he took a trip to Bob Jones University to fire up the base. And now Dubya’s at it again, announcing last week that he is backing a Constitutional amendment which will officially declare gays and lesbians second-class citizens. Bush has pussyfooted around the issue recently, declaring the subject of gay marriage “troubling,” but it wasn’t until polls showed him losing by double digits to both John Kerry and John Edwards that he decided the time was right to go all guns blazing at the most important issue America faces today – homosexuality. Yup, never mind the enormous budget deficit. Forget the millions of Americans who don’t have health care. Jobs? The 9/11 Commission? Iraq? Afghanistan? All minor issues when compared to the shadowy, terrifying threat that is, uh, allowing two people of the same sex to officially declare their love for one another and have their lifelong monogamous relationship legally recognized. So I guess it’s time to add the first amendment to the Constitution since Prohibition that will actually restrict personal freedom. And everyone knows what a smashing success Prohibition was.
Rod Paige
Best Use of War On Terror Hyperbole: But it’s not just gays and lesbians who are considered by the GOP to be a major threat to the security of America – teachers had better start watching their backs, too. Teachers? Yes, teachers. During a private meeting with governors last week, Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association – America’s largest teachers union – a “terrorist organization.” Can’t you just picture the scene? A group of underpaid sixth-grade math teachers huddled around a candle in a dark basement somewhere in Brooklyn, discussing curriculum changes, assessment standards, and the downfall of The Great Satan? Better start rounding them up and putting them in camps for, uh, reeducation.
The White House
Best Post-9/11 Hypocrisy: Have you noticed that Republicans have spent the last three years pissing in their pants whenever a Democrat brings up September 11? “Stop politicizing a national tragedy!” they wail. Consequently, the GOP has done everything in its power to stop people talking about 9/11, from flat-out trying to prevent an inquiry from taking place, to objecting and stalling and finally relenting, to appointing members to the 9/11 commission who had clear conflicts of interest (also see Idiots 95) to refusing to extend the unfinished investigation’s deadline. And what’s the reason for all this obstructionism? “Waaah! Stop politicizing a national tragedy!” they cry. How ironic, then, that the White House is planning an “NYC extravaganza” for their convention in September, according to TheHill.com. “According to sources privy to convention planners’ discussions, the 2004 GOP conclave at New York’s Madison Square Garden will be unlike any previous quadrennial gathering of either party. In fact, not all of the main events will be held at the Garden, sources involved in planning the Aug. 31-Sept. 2 convention said. ‘The entire format and actual physical setup could be radically different,’ one GOP insider commented. ‘They might not even have a podium, or maybe a rotating podium or even a stage that comes up from underground. It would be like a theater in the round, with off-site events that are part of the convention… Or, and this is a real possibility, we could see President Bush giving his acceptance speech at Ground Zero… It’s clearly a venue they’re considering.'” Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “ironic?” I meant “f**king disgraceful.”
George W. Bush
Best Director of Hunts for Terrorists with an Eye for Convenient Timing: Speaking of 9/11… according to the New York Times, “President Bush has approved a plan to intensify the effort to capture or kill Osama bin Laden, senior administration and military officials say.” Okay – while capturing or killing Osama bin Laden would obviously be a very good thing, I have to ask at this point… what the hell have you been doing since September 11, 2001, George?!?! Let me get this straight – after vowing to track down the mastermind behind 9/11 two and a half years ago, you’ve barely mentioned his name, instead focusing all your attention on Iraq, which a) had nothing to do with September 11, and b) apparently wasn’t a clear and present danger to the United States. And now you’re approving a plan to “intensify the effort” to catch bin Laden? Well, I guess you figured it could wait until an election year. A nice little October Surprise would come in kinda handy for you and the boys, wouldn’t it?
Antonin Scalia
Best Supporting Supreme Court Justice: Antonin Scalia’s shameful lapse of ethics in a court case involving Dick Cheney has been noted several times in this column recently (see Idiots passim) – Scalia accepted an invitation to go duck hunting with Cheney (on the taxpayers dime, naturally), despite having to hear a case which could prove politically embarrassing to the vice president. But it appears that Antonin Scalia is no stranger to these kinds of conflicts of interest. It was revealed last week that, according to the Los Angeles Times, “Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was the guest of a Kansas law school two years ago and went pheasant hunting on a trip arranged by the school’s dean, all within weeks of hearing two cases in which the dean was a lead attorney.” And you’ll never believe this, but Scalia ended up siding with the dean when he ruled on the case! Isn’t that just remarkable? In a written statement, Scalia said: “I do not think that spending time at a law school in which the counsel in pending cases was the dean could reasonably cause my impartiality to be questioned.” Why does that sound familiar? Oh yeah – because it’s almost exactly the same thing he said about the Cheney case: “I do not think my impartiality could reasonably be questioned.” Right, right, of course. Accusing you of lacking impartiality? What on earth are we thinking, Antonin?
Laura Bush
Overstatement of the Year Award: And finally: Awwww…. in interviews last week poor Laura Bush was heard complaining that criticism of her husband’s dubious National Guard service during the Vietnam War amounted to a “witch hunt.” “I think it’s a political, you know, witch-hunt, actually, on the part of the Democrats,” she said. A witch hunt, Laura? Let me tell you what a real witch hunt looks like. Take a president – let’s say, for example, the last legally elected president. Begin by looking into a pisspot land deal (which turns out later to be a fuss about nothing) and then use it as excuse to spend eight years and almost $80 million of public money probing around in the president’s pants. Divert important FBI resources to investigate his private life, then release a pornographic report revealing the intimate details of a private affair between the president and a consenting adult. Next, impeach him on trumped up perjury charges, then acquit him. Oh, and don’t forget to release a report (a couple of years too late) clearing him of any wrongdoing. Now that, Laura, is a witch hunt. And in fact, if it hadn’t been for that witch hunt, your ass wouldn’t be sitting in the White House right now. So I’ve got five words for you, dear: Get The Hell Over It.
There are four other lucky winners — head on over to Democratic Underground to read all about it.
