Well-mannered

Miss Manners today answers a query, ostensibly about same-sex marriage. It’s one of those convoluted questions that is designed to ridicule a same-sex couple. You know, the kind of question that makes the whole thing seem ridiculous. But the ever gracious Miss Manners discards the political overtones and simply answers the question with simplicity, logic, and aplomb.

Dear Miss Manners:

Now that same-sex marriages are upon us, how does one address an invitation to a same-sex couple? Is it “Mr. and Mrs.”? “Mr. and Mr.”? “Ms. and Ms.”? “Mrs. and Mrs.”?

If one female partner prefers the “Ms.” title while the other is more traditional, would it then be “Ms.” and “Mrs.”? How is one to know which partner is “Mr.” and which is “Mrs.” (or “Ms.”), etc., etc.?

I can see that tracking these preferences will test the limits of my personal address-book software. And how should one inquire as to the same-sex couple’s appellation preferences without seeming overly pedantic or perhaps even a bit satiric? I’m not sure the conventions to determine the answers to the above questions have been developed as yet; if not, surely they must be underway now.

So who is involved in this process? Is there an unofficial standards board responsible for couple titling? Are gays represented on this council? Are you?

At the Etiquette Mavens’ High Council we do not discuss one another’s personal lives. Other people’s of course, since they so often call upon us to arbitrate, but not our own.

Speaking of which, Miss Manners is afraid that you need basic instruction on matters related to gender, as well as some new software.

The act of marriage does not change people’s genders, and it may or may not change their names. Two gentlemen who marry would therefore each be addressed by his full name with the appropriate honorific (Mr., Dr., Colonel) unless they take the same surname, in which case they would be addressed jointly as, for example, “The Messrs. William and Harry Fitzgibbon.”

Similarly, two ladies would be addressed as “Mesdames Emily and Lucia March,” but if they had different surnames they would be addressed individually with the title each holds or prefers, if you know it, and “Ms.” if you don’t. Miss Manners may not be in the technical support department, but she knows that the simplest programs are equipped to register any title you type in.

[Hey! This is my 2000th entry! I should have had some kind of celebration or something. Big prizes, balloons… the whole shebang. Sorry. Maybe for 3000.]