This evening, after a few drinks and the realization that my host and his boyfriend deserved at least an hour alone, I hopped on the Metro and made my way toward home… at least, my old home, Dupont Circle.
As I sat there in the middle of DC’s gay neighborhood, realizing that nothing had changed except my living arrangements, I started to cry. Here I was, sitting in the city I had called home for my entire life, and I had no home here. I couldn’t hail a cab and go to my little townhouse just outside the city; I couldn’t walk three blocks to the rowhouse apartment I once lived in. I have no home here anymore, I don’t even have a car to get around in here.
Under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol, I asked myself why I made the decision to move, and the only answer I could come up with was because I can. Was that reason enough? Was it stupid to close the door on a 38 year life and start fresh somewhere else with only one or two friends within a thousand miles and no family to speak of?
I wish I hadn’t had those drinks. The temptation to stay here and apologize for leaving is too great.
I had that same conversation with myself in April 1991 when I went back home to LA/OC after moving to Arlington in Septebmer of 1990. Moving clear across the country and the only person I really knew at the time was you. No real friends yet, yes there were people at work, but no one I would call a friend. I remember that tingly feeling as I was on approach for landing and seeing the landscape from my airplane window. Seeing familiar sites, streets and buildings. Knowing that once on the ground, I could navigate through most of OC with my eyes closed. Not so was the case of being in Arlington/DC. I still got lost even riding the Metro, missing a stop here and there.
But as time moved on, DC slowly became home and even to this day I refer to DC as “home”. DC was a turning point in my life on so many fronts. I had a second “coming out” while in DC and found myself working for a national GLBT organization for 6 years – something I never dreamed of. I became a different person. The friendships I developed since being in DC – I will cherish those forever.
I say, stay the course in San Jose. You have Jann and a couple of other friends nearby. Jann has been a friend of yours for many years and he will continue to be there for you. You said you made the move becasue you “can” and I suspect you were yearning for something differnt. Well, make something of it and do something off the beaten track. Take some risks, do something different and do something you have dreamed of.
Reach inside and BE YOU!