I really can’t figure out the point of dating anymore. It seems, quite simply, to be an exercise in whittling away the ego and leaving the participants — or, at least, one of them — diminished.
Take the date I went on this weekend, the latest in what to my mind seems like a long, long line of first dates that never lead to a second. The guy was just my type — intelligent, creative, a fellow designer, way cute, could carry on a conversation — but as always, where prior to the date there was an excitement and a dialogue, immediately after there was silence. What set him apart from others was that 24 hours later, he emailed me to say there was no match — usually I just never hear from them again.
His reasoning? We were in two “different places” with our lives. It’s interesting, most of the people around me are fascinated by my move to California, this sabbatical in my life; but this guy indulged in a little transference, noting that hs ex-boyfriend couldn’t find a job in California and moved away.
My response to this late last night via email was that I was not that guy, and he shouldn’t assume that I am. It remains to be seen if I get any response.
My first thought this morning after a sleepless night of contemplation was that I should call him and state my case for a second date. If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I can’t be summed up in one meeting, it takes a long time to find out who I really am. I’m really tired of bearing the brunt of snap judgments, and I liked this guy enough to not want to just abandon it. But my self-esteem has taken yet another beating — I’m already feeling diminished because I haven’t found the job I want here, and even though financially I am quite well, thank you, this incident has just left me feeling even more like there is nothing more important in my life than a career — evidently, I can’t even have a relationship without one.
I never know the right thing to do. I probably won’t call him, even though I feel that it might be an important gesture — because now I am afraid that he’ll abandon this excuse for something different that is even more ego bruising.
How do people do this? How can one go through this time after time after time, and not be a shell of a person at the end? Is that the point, to whittle away your self-esteem so that finally you’ll take the first person that comes along who doesn’t have tattoos on his face and rotting teeth?
Why is it that every time I peek my head out of my hermit’s cave, I’m hit with a crowbar and forced to go back in even farther?
How it gets worse: we’ve now emailed a couple of times, explaining our positions, and two things are clear to me: first, that I wish it had worked out with him, because even in these circumstances, he is sweet and honest and intelligent and kind. (To set the record straight, he says was not “transferring” his previous experience, but learned from it.)
Second, it is clear to me that my emotional defense of gloom and doom and putting up walls around myself is still just as powerful as it ever was despite my attempts to tear them down. The self-reinforcing walls just get stronger when I try to let my guard down and then retreat back into them. The nicer the guy, the higher they go.
Not to be a smartass, but yes, it is you. And that’s just fine, it should be you.
And to say what you’ve probably already heard before: Stop analyzing each date as a potential relationship. Just enjoy the moment and that you’re out and about, sharing the time with someone.
Hang in there and have fun…
Actually, it was the opposite — I was wanting to go with the moment, he seemed to have been focusing on the long term prospects rather than me, which is what the problem was. I was just looking as far as the second date.
“How do people do this? How can one go through this time after time after time, and not be a shell of a person at the end? Is that the point, to whittle away your self-esteem so that finally you’ll take the first person that comes along who doesn’t have tattoos on his face and rotting teeth?”
1. Your self esteem should be from within, you are currently looking for validation from others and when you don’t get it you feel hurt. STOP looking to other for your feelings of worth while-ness. Its called self-esteem. Only you can give it and only you can take it away.
“Why is it that every time I peek my head out of my hermit’s cave, I’m hit with a crowbar and forced to go back in even farther?”
2. Life is hard, wear a helmut!
“Second, it is clear to me that my emotional defense of gloom and doom and putting up walls around myself is still just as powerful as it ever was despite my attempts to tear them down. The self-reinforcing walls just get stronger when I try to let my guard down and then retreat back into them. The nicer the guy, the higher they go.”
3. Walls? Walls only keep people out. They offer no warmth or security for you. You are not safer behind them. They are a crutch YOU are using to prevent yourself from being exposed to danger.
TEAR down those walls
Expose yourself
You WILL get hurt (You’ll live)
But also you WILL survive
Pain is part of life, get use to it. Lonely-ness is part of life get used to it. Rejection is part of life, get used to it. Be comfortable with who you are, the rest will fall into place on its own.
Almost done
Build a good life for yourself and if you find someone to share it with, Great! And if you don’t…Well then, you’ve built a good life for yourself.
One more.
Q. How many times does a baby fall on their ass when learning how to walk?
A. Some never do, some fall 5 times, some 50, and some 500, some maybe 5,000 but they ALL learn how to walk.
Q. Why?
A. Because they never stop trying
(Married 22 years, but I kissed a thousand frogs before I found a prince)
Yeah, I know. This was an uncharacteristically self-indulgent entry, and I am nothing if not realistic — I know that life presents a lot of disappointments, I just wish that they weren’t all piled on, you know?
As for kissing those frogs… well, I’m not getting any older, and I’m not even getting to the kissing part.