Just As I Thought

From the Archives #3

This is the beginnings of a dictionary that I and a friend started to compile, circa mid 1990s.
It was inspired by a person that we knew who mangled the English language so horribly that we often couldn’t understand what she was saying… and yet, she was a receptionist.

abbreviation: What happens at a funeral.
acquire: the people who sing in church
acre: a dull, throbbing pain
affection: what you get if you don’t put alcohol on a cut
afro-centric: making sure your hair parts down the middle
agriculture: a test the doctor does to see if you got strep throat
alienation: that science friction show that was on the cable
allegiance: what doctors call warts
aloof: those funny looking sponges you use in the shower
ambivalence: the medical car that comes to get you when you are sick
anarchy: of or pertaining to actress Ann Archer
angina: the woman’s part before you get to the euphemism
arrangement: what happens after you get arrested
artistic: what you call someone who is mentally disarranged
assent: the funny way some people talk
assinine: the number of fingers free when you scratching your butt
autonomy: what they do to your body after you die
barrage: where you park your car
beneficial: a cut that barely breaks the skin, but you should still put alcohol on it or you might get an affection
calibrate: what you do at a party
cantankerous: one of those sores you get on your lip
capillaries: cap of or belonging to Larry
circus: an electrical current
detriment: toothpaste to whiten your dentures
diatribe: when you color the hairs of the whole family
endentured: when your dentures done been put in your mouth
euphemism: the part of a woman where the baby grow
hemmorhoids: the rocks that are flying around in space
horatio: a form of oral sex
inflammation: the desk at the mall where you rent strollers
metaphor: a piece of rock that falls out of space
orifice: the place where you work
PANTONE: the sound the frying pan makes when you hit your boyfriend over the head
parapalegic: as in “I parapalegic to the flag of the United States of America”
persimmon: what you got to get before you allowed to do something

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